The holidays are right around the corner, and if you're anything like me, you've been wracking your brain pretty hard to come up with new and interesting ways to indoctrinate your children into the patriarchy. Luckily, the folks at Mattel have your back (Was there any doubt they would, really?) with a new book about Barbie being an engineer. Now, before you raise your signs in protest thinking this book might encourage your daughter to think outside the icebox, you should know they keep it real with the tale of a ditzy know-nothing who relies on men to fix all her troubles.
In the book, aptly titled Barbie: I Can Be A Computer Engineer, Barbie designs a game so some of her male friends can use their big male brains to code it. Then, as she is explaining her game to Skipper, her computer breaks! She uses her engineering skills to turn it on and off a bunch of times, but for some reason that doesn't seem to work. Luckily, she has all of her cute puppy files backed up on a pink, heart-shaped flash drive. She loads them on to Skipper's computer, along with a virus, and *GASP* oh, no! Skipper's computer is broken too. Barbie tries to fix the computer, but her vagina is just too vagina-y and Brian and Steve have to do it for her. Then, Barbie takes credit for their work fixing the computer, as well as the game they code for her, and her professor gives her extra credit, proving any woman can get ahead in the tech field if she just gets some nice men to help her out and do her work for her.
Like you, I was rendered speechless by this harrowing tale. I mean, the way they made it seem like a woman might be able to do things and then subtly reinforced that women are stupid and technology is a man's field? Top notch stuff. I've decided to abandon my dreams - let's face it: they're probably too hard for me anyway - and devote all of my time to coming up with ideas for new Barbie books. Here are a few I've had so far, although I'll have to get a man to write the actual stories for me because words are hard and I'm pushing it just writing this blog post. Come up with the idea and then enlist a man to do the heavy-lifting, amiright?
1. Barbie: I Can Be An Epidemiologist!
Barbie discovers the cure for cancer...almost. She's forced to leave the lab due to a broken nail and Steve has to come in and wrap things up for her. It's a good thing too because it turns out the cure has to be injected and Barbie doesn't like to be around icky blood. Maybe if they had a way to make blood pink...
Barbie calls Brian and tells him about her idea for pink blood. He uses his man brain to make it happen, even incorporating Barbie's last second idea to also make it taste like bubble gum, and once again the world is changed by Barbie's superior design aesthetic.
2. Barbie: I Can Be A Surgeon!
Barbie gets accepted to medical school! Unfortunately, scrubs make her look fat and do nothing for her complexion. She drops out to design a new line of flattering scrubs for women, but her ideas are rejected because there are no female doctors to wear them (duh!) and nurses with bare midriffs prove too distracting to the male doctors who are trying to do serious male doctor things.
3. Barbie: I Can Be A Writer!
This one is sponsored by Bic. Barbie has always had lots and lots of ideas - women are all talk and no action, after all - but she has a hard time finding men to write them down for her because they're all busy having jobs. One day, she sees a commercial for Bic Lady Pens. They're even pink!
Barbie finds a man to drive her to the store and then gives Ken's credit card to another man so he can buy the pens for her. Once a man shows her how to remove the caps and explains what paper is, she's all set and she begins writing a pink, scented, hand-written outline for Ken to turn into a novel about a woman with a zit who is out of concealer. Barbie has always been interested in horror! Unfortunately, no one told her to put the caps back on her pens when she was finished using them. They dry out and Barbie is silenced once again.
4. Barbie: I Can Be A Firefighter!
No, she can't. That hose is really, really heavy, and smoke ages you.
5. Barbie: I Can Be A CEO!
Barbie is on track for a promotion, but then one day she hears two other dolls talking about the glass ceiling. Terrified of bumping her head on the glass ceiling and messing up her hair, Barbie immediately requests a demotion to secretary, but gets fired shortly after because she can't figure out how to take memos without pink lady pens.
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